Life's Surges, raw and real

I went to a Life Surge conference last January in Atlanta. It was something I had planned for months. I was excited to immerse myself in a crowd of believers, for the first time, by myself. See how it felt. AND I opted for a ticket that allowed me to have “photo ops” with speakers. This meant I could personally thank Jonathan Roumie, who plays Jesus in The Chosen. It was a HUGE deal for me.

I drove the 6.5 hours by myself from Florida. After a tumultuous last few years, I needed rejuvenation. All the loss and disappointment were slowly melting away. The effects of my riding accident were in the rearview, and I was ready to be armed with positivity.

Plus, I really needed to blast the radio and sing at the top of my lungs. (There should be an official study on this practice's benefits.)

I especially needed a spiritual infusion, in a BIG way, as I was about to embark on another new life transition. I was moving AGAIN after just 2.5 years in Florida, which had been THE biggest move of my life. It took me across the East Coast as I parted with my beloved horse and farm life.

The Life Surge event was quite inspirational and very informative. The speakers were terrific, and the worship music was uplifting. Significant resources were offered, not pushed, for financial opportunity. I felt a sense of strong, spiritual community, which I had desperately needed to feel. Everyone was truly a part of God's family. I returned with much divine meat to chew on and a renewed love for my faith in God.

God has used my losses and disappointments to lead me back to Him in a big way.

Especially those past few years. The TV show "The Chosen" was the first of many bright lights He shone on my path back to Him. I finally figured out how to stream it while I was laid-up on the couch for months, accompanied with ice packs and my dogs. I was immediately drawn into the beauty and drama of the story of Jesus and His disciples and their time on earth.

I'm a HUGE fan of the show. I love everything from the roundtable discussions that air after each episode to the Facebook groups that unite fans. (Thank you, Dallas Jenkins!)

I absorb as much as I can from testimonies and faith-filled people I've been introduced to because of the show. The trail of breadcrumbs led me to countless inspirational, faith-focused teachers and apps like Hallow that can be used for prayer. I have embarked on an invaluable education and have found evidence solidifying the path I'm on.

Jonathan Roumie is a great example. I can listen to him talk about his faith (or anything) all day long. Yes, it’s true; he's pretty easy on the eyes. But more importantly, he’s an incredible example of what surrendering our lives to God looks like. He shares experiences of spiritual transformation, all while being SO VERY human.  This resonates with countless fans and followers like myself. His openness about his faith greatly inspires those of us on similar journeys.

My surrender story is still unfolding, but my fire for Jesus was significantly impacted after hearing how Jonathan's surrender story impacted him—not his "fame" part, but rather his peace found in trusting everything to God.

Along with the depth and gravity of the seeds planted, my Life Surge experience has a pretty humorous twist. And as funny as it is, it starts with an embarrassing and mildly humiliating personal experience.

Like many women my age, I am in my 60s and often struggle to understand and embrace this “aging process." (cue dark music....dun dun dun...)

Attending the conference alone was a huge undertaking. I wanted to feel good about myself for the event. My previous life, being 24/7 horse-focused, meant makeup and fashion were never a thing. However, my path has me out in the public more, with “regular” people.

Therefore, I am relearning things regarding feeling good about my looks. Sizes have changed, and makeup is different than two decades ago. It's actually kind of fun, but it is a process, and I'm not quite “there” yet. Far from it.

This particular event was even more critical to me because I had purchased the ticket, including photo ops. I mean, I was going to be having my picture taken with “celebrities!” It felt a bit vain, but re-acclimating to a new lifestyle and being in places NOT filled with manure, dust, and horse-hair was all new to me.

As I sat in the crowd, taking in the sights with all these beautiful people around me, my insecurities started sneaking in.  Gorgeous young girls all around me, bright shiny faces beaming as messages were shared. Older, coiffed women with perfected makeup in sleek, matching outfits- needless to say, I was envious.

The day brought lots of tears, revelations, and convictions. God had big, personal lessons for me that day.

The biggest one, however, as I was about to find out, was pride and humility.

As the day went on, I pulled out tissues to dry tears from the powerful messages speakers shared. God’s goodness continued to be poured out all day long. I scratched frantically in my notebook, snapping an occasional picture, immersed in the power of a room filled with believers.

Just after lunchtime, the power suddenly went out. A car had hit a pole, knocking out service for blocks. The AC died along with all the other electrical conveniences for about an hour. It's a good thing I had my little notebook to fan the hot flashes that ensued.

When the power came back on, a collective sigh of relief was heard as cool air began circulating. By now, my tears had washed away the makeup I had so carefully applied, exposing dark circles I had carefully covered up that morning. The eye makeup lining my baby blues had been washed away, and an hour of heat added an extra dose of frizz to my already curly hair.

Greeeeeeat.

I tried not to agonize, worry, or fret.

I mean, it’s all God's will, right?

Yep, all God's will.

I darted into the ladies' room just before heading to the final photo session, the one with Johnathan. I looked at my reflection, and what I saw staring back caused my heart to sink. I could almost hear the sound.

P L O P

The dark circles, the tired eyes, and the crazy hair told the whole story.

This was me. Like it or not.

I made my way to the long line, following the signs directing us to “Photos.” As I stood there, I repeated what I wanted to remember to tell Jonathan - how much of an impact his role had on my coming to Jesus (the real one).

Over and over, I recited those words.

The process was incredibly rushed. Harried, actually. I felt uncomfortably pressured. Having been to several of these meet-and-greets, I thought I knew what to expect. The ones before were wonderful. I had a few minutes once to talk with Tony Orlando, whose music greatly impacted my family. I was able to have a quick, but heartfelt conversation with him that filled my soul. I cherish that memory.

So I expected the same experience at this photo op.

Nope.

This one was MUCH different.

It was militant and hasty. I was shocked they didn't allow a full, or even a half-minute for people to connect, especially when they share an essential feature like faith in God.

I got barely 10 seconds before the staff yelled at me, “Look this way,” and immediately waved me out. I barely made eye contact, let alone say a coherent “thank you” to the man whose work had brought me closer to Jesus. It was an incredible letdown. The barking, yelling, and moving us along was so intense that I stopped and did a whole body shake when I exited Jonathan’s “tent.” Just like my horses would do after an intense training session, or interaction with something scary.

In hindsight, I should've ignored them, taken my moment, and given Jonathan an earnest word of gratitude. I don’t even know what I actually said to him. T

To be honest I think I may have had a little PTSD from all the barking and commands for a few days. (Kidding, mostly…lol)

Days later, when the pictures were made available and I finally saw the picture of Jonathan and me, I felt a greater disillusionment. The picture was just awful. Awful. It brought me to tears. I was humiliated.

I spent a lot, and I mean a lot, of time talking with and praying to God that night and the next, wrestling with everything from my overblown expectations, exaggerated importance of how I feel about my looks, disappointment that things didn't go how I wanted, missing my youth, and battling another drop in the "why-did-this-happen-to-me?!" bucket.

Wah wah wah

The good news, because there's ALWAYS good news, is that I recognized the lessons God gave me. And honestly, they came fast. I had to wrestle with my ego, expectations, and negative feelings over the whole experience—something I had been doing, to some extent, my entire life.

But this time, God was wrestling with me, and it was not nearly as painful as past battles.

I get it. I see what He was doing. And I am now taking ALL the lessons into my future with gratitude. I realize now I'm a better person for the discipline.

Okay, so, in complete transparency, I learned to swap my face in a picture.

Later, I doctored the “awful” picture, swapping my face with one from another shot that day. I "touched up" that moment to reflect on how I truly felt inside. THAT was a giant win.

It is also a sign that there is still a strong thread of vanity deep inside. Ah, well, that’s a battle for another time.

Another important thing, and example of my growth, I am remembering a kinder version of that experience now, not the doomsday version that goes like this: “It-went-so-badly-and-I-looked-so-awful-and-I-blew-my-chance-at-thanking-Jonathan Roumie-properly-OMG-I’m-a-LOSER!!!"

Those thoughts had me circling a dark drain I'd come to know too well for an entire day.

But I know better than that at this stage of life. And I’m grateful I didn't sink into that particular abyss again—all the glory to God for that.

I now remember hearing him thank me multiple times, seeing his lingering smile and warm handshake as I was whisked out the door like cattle. I think we were both a bit bewildered by the barking.

In addition to this lesson in humility and vanity, I also realize that I am worth 15 seconds if I want to say thank you to someone. Should I ever get a similar opportunity, I will NOT put so much into my appearance and will focus on my heart and God's word. I will politely raise a finger to stop everything for 15 seconds to say, "Thank you for being part of the light God has used to show me out of the darkness," to someone who has drastically helped change my life.

There's always a lesson from God. And He is ALWAYS good. Even when the picture doesn't look the way you may have hoped!