Who's Showing Up?

There is a saying that “family isn’t always blood, family is who shows up.” I used to believe wholeheartedly that if people couldn’t show up for you, they weren’t worthy of you showing up for them.

But I’m not so sure it’s that simple.

Is family really just who shows up? Does that mean that if they don’t show up, they’re not family? What does showing up really mean? What if they’re on the other end of the phone?

These are questions I have been rolling around lately.

The truth is showing up physically isn't the same thing as showing up emotionally. And not showing up physically doesn't necessarily mean someone doesn't love you. There's a whole spectrum of colors between those two truths and the many ways that people “show up.”

There may be people who love you but can’t show up. Limitations, circumstances, distances, health (mental AND physical) may make it impossible for them to “be there” for you. But their absence doesn’t diminish their importance in your life.

Then there are people who show up not just for the company, but for what is being offered. You know — the friend with the pool, or the boat, or the lasagna worth driving fifty miles for. It’s not that you don’t enjoy hanging out with them, but, if they didn’t make such great pasta dishes, you may not see them quite as much.

A relationship can quietly become centered more around what one person provides than the actual connection between the two. And neither person may even realize it's happening. It can be hard to tell what the bigger attraction is: the company or the amenities. Maybe, more times than we realize, it’s a little of both.

Then there are the people who show up but leave you depleted. They are physically present, yet their negativity, demands, or behavior make their presence more exhausting than comforting.

And what about the people who rarely show up yet they make you feel deeply connected? A simple phone call, a thoughtful message, a moment of genuine understanding or comfort that stays with you and warms you long after the exchange.

Sometimes someone can make you feel more loved from a thousand miles away than the person sitting beside you. Sometimes the people who don't show up disappoint us.

Sometimes the people who do show up disappoint us even more.

People can show up for the wrong reasons, or fail to show up for good reasons, and still care about us in either scenario.

I’ve come to the conclusion that presence is not proof of love. And absence is not proof of indifference. Maybe attendance isn't always the greatest measure of affection.

Maybe we need to have some tenderness for the people whose limitations prevent them from showing up in the ways we'd like.

Still, understanding someone’s limitations doesn’t mean our own needs stop mattering. We can extend grace and compassion while still acknowledging disappointment, longing, or the desire for more connection. There’s room for both, and one doesn’t have to diminish the other.

Circumstances alone don’t always tell the whole story of a relationship.

I have learned that I need to move away from black-and-white judgments. Relationships are complicated, people have limitations, and though our needs and expectations matter, they aren’t the be-all and end-all.

Now I ask myself — is showing up about being physically present, making an effort, or making someone feel that they matter?

Those are three very different things.

Maybe showing up isn’t really about where somebody physically is.

Maybe it’s about what they bring to the relationship when they’re there—and what remains of the connection when they’re not.