How I seek peace, or at least try

Being derailed can be so frustrating. It drains my energy and entices me to join the Lazy     Team of Do Nothing Today because yesterday and the day before were so damn hard.

But I SO want to make progress. I SO want to move forward.

Having lost a big chunk of time years ago makes losing ANY time since especially frustrating. And the last two weeks, I lost time again. Again.

A minor-ish health “thing” can really wreak havoc when I am trying to establish new routines like exercising, writing, studying, and strengthening the muscle of my peace.

They all get tossed to the wayside.

I hate losing time, and I hate playing the make-up game.

But, I realize, I have to do something to get back in the swing of what feels good day to    

day.

I have to work to get back to a peaceful place.

So, this morning, I decided to meditate on my favorite picture of Jesus. For ten minutes, I either gazed upon him, into his eyes, noticing the blood-stained scars in his hands, or closed my eyes and held my head in my hands.

My mind bubbled like a babbling brook with random thoughts, disconnected ideas, wonderings, and nano-epiphanies. Every one of them collided and combined with the others, until the bubbling seemed like a boiling caldron.

I truly desire to know Jesus. I really want to walk with Him and do what I believe God created me to do. I love studying Biblical history and want to deepen my understanding. But my mind gets so raucous that nothing comes through clearly…

Racing thoughts……“I want to help a struggling friend, I want to write about this and    that, I want to adopt these habits and lose those, change my mindset, drop weight, and  wouldn’t Ireland be a great trip for my best friend and me when she retires?” And so on.

It all gets so jumbly that I end up walking away exhausted and empty.

So, what then?

It’s a daily challenge for me to grow closer to God.

But it’s a challenge worth investing in.

So, I pick up my journal and write. I write my feelings, thoughts, and reflections about where I currently find myself. Confused. A tad lost. A bit lonely. Craving connection and purpose. Tired. Wanting a relationship with Jesus.

Next, I grab one of my books on rotation and read. A devotional written by a “regular” woman whose chapters of disturbing challenges in life caused her put pen to paper, both to sort things out for herself, and to help others sort out their messes.

I grab another of my spiritual workbooks, a new one, and read the introduction, which is riveting and mind-expanding. It talks of beginnings, the spaces we are given, and what we can make of them.

It is deep. I have to look up some words that I don’t know, and read some sentences

twice. It invigorates my mind and my spirit, and my soul feels energized by the time I am finished reading.

I put it back in my basket of books, and eye another favorite.

Then I hear in my mind – stop.

And I pay attention.

I stop and let all the words, thoughts, and ideas that I have just engaged with be absorbed. I let the mental dust settle.

I make notes in my journal about what stood out to me, what struck me, and what resonated in me.

And I see how there actually was a lesson in it all - for me specifically.

This is how I draw closer to God.

I take time to sit with Him.

I open up space to let Him in.

I welcome Him in and ask Him to open my eyes, ears, and heart.

And then, I wait.

I acknowledge all the disarray in my head and my heart.

I do my best to pull back from the internal chaos and focus.

I focus on His eyes. His hands. The colors in His robe. The halo painted around His head.

I write about how it all feels, and then I read what others have written about in their own times of chaos.

And somewhere, amidst all the straining and wrestling, a bit of clarity comes through.

It may just be a word.

It could be a whole sentence, or a paragraph even.

Sometimes the thoughts are teeny-tiny.

And sometimes they are huge.

But no matter what, I have taken a step.

And though I may get knocked backwards three more steps on another day, by some obstacle or difficult circumstance, I am making progress.

I am finding peace.

And, isn’t everyone just trying to find a little peace?

Well, my suggestion is to keep trying.

Keep at it.

Take whatever steps you can take today.

Throw away self-criticism.

Throw away self-doubt.

Embrace the truth and look in the mirror honestly.

And just try.

Give it ten minutes. Or five.

Or one.

But start somewhere.

Every step is a step forward.

Your peace is worth it.

This is how we make progress.

Alone and together.